Talking about Divorce in Church [Proper 22B]
The Rev. Jeremiah Williamson
Mark 10:2-16
Talking about Divorce in Church
So, I don’t really want to talk about divorce. You probably don’t want to talk about
divorce. Jesus doesn’t really want to talk
about divorce, although folks won’t stop asking him about divorce in today’s
Gospel, so he does. Nobody really wants
to talk about divorce. But we talk about
tough stuff here. So, I guess we’re talking about divorce today.
It is difficult to talk about divorce in the Church because
the Church has such a rotten history around the subject. Mostly the Church has been the place where
folks going through a painful divorce go to add insult to injury. Historically, the Church has mostly indiscriminately
condemned divorced persons, treating them like second-class members, barring
them, in some cases, from even receiving the healing sacrament of Holy Communion. Sometimes, and in some places, the stigma in
the Church is so intense, the shame so acute, that folks will stay in even the
most toxic marriage to avoid the fallout in their own faith community. Some spouses have been demanded by Church
leaders to stay in abusive situations rather than break their marriage bond (passages
like today’s Gospel used to induce guilt) even in situations where the children
are being victimized as well. Knowing
the many ways in which people who have gone through divorce have been hurt by
the Church makes it difficult to talk about divorce in the Church.
But once every three years, Jesus talks about divorce in
Church. And because Jesus talks about
it, so do we. Again, though: Jesus did
not initiate this conversation. You can
blame that one on the Pharisees.
Anglican bishop, NT Wright talks about a time in the early 90’s
when it was very common for Church of England clergy to be asked, by the press,
about their views on divorce. He says, “[T]he
journalists weren’t wanting to write a piece about the church’s attitude to
divorce in general. They were wanting to
write about Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
Once it became clear that their marriage was in real trouble the
journalists never left it alone for a minute.”[1] Those who asked the questions had a very
specific agenda. It wasn’t really about
divorce; it was about this divorce.
The same can be said about the question raised by the
Pharisees. They were not interested in engaging
Jesus in thoughtful discussion about the difficult and complex issue of divorce
in this passage. They had an agenda.
If you are quite familiar with the Gospel of Mark, you might remember
that divorce came up, in a more subtle way, earlier in the book, prior to this
encounter in chapter 10. And that time,
it cost John the Baptist his head. Back
in chapter six, John condemned Herod for marrying his brother’s wife, Herodias;
though it is historically difficult to track the many marriages and divorces of
this particular royal and his royal family, it appears that both Herod and
Herodias broke off their previous marriages to enter into the marriage John
condemned. John said specifically that the
marriage was “not lawful”, not lawful according to Leviticus chapters 18 and
20, which forbid a man from taking and marrying his brother’s wife. John was a popular enough that Herod worried
that this public criticism might spark a rebellion against the throne. And so, with some encouragement from his
wife, he had John the Baptist killed.
Given the backdrop, and the consequences John faced for
making such a statement, it is not surprising that those who opposed Jesus,
another popular Jewish prophet with a grassroots following, might frame the
question as they did: Is it lawful
for a man to divorce his wife?” It was a
trap. According to Mark’s Gospel, Herod
suspected that Jesus might actually be John the Baptist raised from the
dead. If the Pharisees could get Jesus
to speak the same exact words of condemnation, perhaps, they figured, he too
would be eliminated.
And so these experts on the Law, ask Jesus, “Is it lawful?” Throughout the Gospels we see that Jesus is
skilled at spotting and avoiding the traps his opposers set. This time is no exception. Jesus answers by not really answering the
question they asked – a question that was fraught with political danger. But Jesus still answers, which is why we are
talking about Jesus talking about divorce today.
Jesus replies to the Pharisees with a question of his own:
What did Moses command you? Well, Moses
commanded nothing concerning divorce – and of course they know that because
they are experts on the Law. All that we
find in the Torah is a realistic understanding that relationships will
sometimes end and so the provisions in the Law are pragmatic allowances that
protect vulnerable women from being exploited and abandoned. The Law directs the husband to grant the wife
a certificate of dismissal so that she could legally prove to a potential
suitor that she was free to marry again.
In that strongly patriarchal society, in which economic security and
stability was tied to the male at the head of the household, that was
important. The concern in the law was
practical, even merciful, but not terribly theological.
Jesus is interested in the theological. And so he disregards the question concerning
the legality of divorce – which was really just a political ploy anyway – and instead
pivots the conversation from what is written in the law to what is written on
the heart of God. There was no Law in
the Garden of Eden. The Law was a necessary
response to the brokenness that spread with the human race. From the beginning of creation, God intended
a world in which there was no need for laws, in which the only laws were love
and peace. And while our broken world
and our hard hearts rage against that dream, God still longs for that dream to
come true, the dream that inspired the Creation. It is this dream that lives in the prophetic
imagination of the Bible – from the beginning of Genesis through the end of Revelation. It is a dream of reconciliation, reconciliation
with one another and with all of creation.
It is a dream of the lion at rest with the lamb; it is a dream of swords
beaten into plowshares; it is a dream of no more crying and no more pain; it is
a dream of thy kingdom come. And it is a
dream that starts to come true, a dream that we glimpse, every time two melt
into one holy partnership, every time love endures the trials of a lifetime, every
time one love inspires more love so that in the fullness of time the world
might be flooded with love.
Even as humankind fights against the future God wants for us,
we also hold a piece of that dream in our hearts. We believe enough in God’s dream to walk the
aisle and pledge our fragile hearts to another flawed human being. When couples walk down the aisle and make
their vows, in that moment, before the challenges of life beat at their door,
they imagine forever together; they imagine a happily ever after; they imagine
a lifetime in which love gets the final word.
They imagine a love strong enough to overcome the estrangement of this age. They imagine a love merciful enough overcome
the weight of guilt. They imagine a love
powerful enough to drive away the gloom of despair that haunts our world.
I look at couples as they look at each other and in at that
moment, in the presence of God, they make those vows and they believe that anything
is possible, even “’til death do us part”, that despite the brokenness of the
world they will not break. And God dares
to dream with them. Because God loves us
and created us to love and never gives up on the dream that brought together
the first two people in that ancient garden. And just like God has done since the very
beginning, God gets right in the middle of it.
The couple, and those gathering around them, and God: all desperately want
that happily ever after. And still, it
just doesn’t always happen.
Marriage has changed and evolved over the centuries. What we think of as marriage today is very
different from marriage in Jesus’ time which was very different from marriage
in the time of Moses. In Jesus’ day, marriage
was a contract, a business agreement between men that involved a woman. It was not yet a sacrament of the Church. It was not yet a romantic fantasy built for
great novels and mediocre pop songs. It
was not yet the choice of two young, carefree lovers.
But through all of the many changes, the one constant is that
marriage is hard. Because love is
hard. Because people are flawed. And because the world in which we live and
love is plagued by brokenness and violence and pain and heartache and death. And sometimes even the most beautiful things
die, like relationships and like love that was supposed to last forever.
And I don’t why. Jesus
doesn’t seem to think that divorce is what God wants for couples. And I agree.
I think God dreams of a world in which love lasts forever, in which
there is no pain and no sadness. But we
know that we don’t live in that world yet.
And so divorce does happen.
Because sometimes lovers treat their lovers like enemies. And sometimes someone just walks away. And sometimes passion turns ugly and becomes
violence. And sometimes trust is broken,
or things are said that cannot be forgotten.
And sometimes things break apart like icebergs and the two who were once
one find the distance simply too great.
And it is always tragic, even when it is also salvation. And it hurts every time. Because sometimes every option is painful.
We walk through a cracked and broken land, between the beauty
of Creation and the coming of the Reign of God.
And though in this world pain threatens and death haunts, there is still
something in us willing to risk our hearts for the chance at a lifetime love. That is a bold and beautiful move. And when we dare to make that move God meets
us with a blessing of grace, call it a vote of confidence. And when it works, when two people go the
distance, we glimpse the love that made the worlds, the love that endured the
cross, the love that conquers even death.
And so, even though about half of the marriages in our
country end in divorce, we don’t give up on this beautiful, mysterious
sacrament we call holy matrimony. And we
celebrate the couples who stand hand in hand and make their vows before the Creator
of the Universe. And we vow our prayers
and support because we know the journey will not be easy; it never is.
And, as the Church, we also pray, with Jesus, for a day in
which there is no more divorce, for a day in which no one has to endure the
heartache of a journey ended before death do us part. Of course we do, because we want God’s dream
to come true, God’s dream of a world in which there is no more pain, no more
tears, no more broken hearts or broken relationships. We long for a world in which unity overcomes estrangement,
forgiveness heals guilt, and joy conquers despair. How could we not?
In the meantime, as we pray for that day, our job is to love:
to love those who bear the scars of divorce and to love those who are
struggling to keep their marriage alive and to love those who are going through
that terribly difficult and lonely process right now. Because the Church is both the place in which
relationships are blessed and the place where healing happens, where we rejoice
with those who rejoice and cry with those who cry and open our hearts to those
with hearts broken open.
And so that is why we are talking about divorce in church today. Because divorce effects those in the
Church. And because like Jesus we are
called to wrap our arms around those who are hurting now even as we hope and
pray for a time in which no one ever hurts again.
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